Oh my god. I once got a comment on a facebook post I made talking about cancer, probably a surgery or something that was coming up, that said “You’re too pretty to die”. … WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. My own body image issues completely set aside, what the FUCK. If I was uglier it would be okay that I have cancer and a disability? If I was uglier it would be okay for it to kill me? ALSO. Do you guys have ANY idea how much pressure it puts on me when everyone goes “oh my god, you can’t die, you’re gonna beat this, this surgery will get rid of it, this chemo will get rid of it”? IT’S BEEN THREE YEARS. JESUS CHRIST. IT’S NOT GOING AWAY. And NOW you’ve made me feel like I’m the biggest fucking fail ever if I DO stop treatment, which, BY THE WAY, is probably what’s going to happen eventually. Three years is too fucking long to be going through all of this, and I CAN’T keep doing it. I can’t. And now, when I do eventually stop treatment, because jesus fucking christ I know my upcoming lung surgery and new experimental chemo isn’t going to get rid of it I’m just buying some fucking time, when I stop treatment I’m going to feel like I let all these people down, like I don’t even know how to DO THIS right. I can’t fucking live right, because I can’t live up to everyone’s expectations. AKDHGPOIADSYGUIPAOSUDG. Oh my god so much caps. I’m so angry. Seriously. I’m tired, and angry, and grumpy, and I’m getting one third of my lung removed this Friday and people are like “THIS TIME YOU’LL GET IT” just like they have for every single other surgery I’ve gotten. I’ve gotten thirteen surgeries guys. I’m just buying myself some time with this. They warn me of the risks with every surgery, but this will be the most lung they’ve taken out, and one of the nodules is next to a blood vessel and they’re kind of worried about it, and they’re going to be going through scar tissue because I’ve had three lung surgeries on that one lung already. I’m so fucking sick of having to deal with this unintentional pressure to be a fucking hero because I have cancer and a disability. I don’t have the ENERGY to be a hero or inspiring or anything. I’m just trying to stay alive a little longer.
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